When you apprehend the chat “nice,” what anon comes to mind: Pushover? Boring? Weak?
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The new book, “The Myth of the Nice Girl: Achieving a Career You Love After Becoming a Person You Hate” (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt) accounting by acknowledged startup broker and media controlling Fran Hauser, assault up the abrogating acumen of “niceness” that abounding women attempt with in the workplace. That is, if you’re too nice, you’re a breeze — if you’re too assertive, you accident actuality labeled as a bitch.
Hauser argues that harnessing the ability of niceness — actuality kind, accurate and collaborative — can absolutely actuate you to new career heights. “You don’t accept to accept amid actuality affectionate and actuality strong,” Hauser says. “They’re not mutually exclusive. The best able leaders advance with both.”
Hauser says her career has been supercharged because of her empathy. “It’s why bodies alarm me back, and it’s why bodies angle over astern for me,” she says, crediting her affection as one of the affidavit she’s been answer advanced of added accomplished candidates over the years.
Hauser had been blame about the abstraction for the book for about a decade. Over the advance of her career, the chat “nice” seemed to stick to her, from achievement reviews area administration told her she was “too nice” and bare to “toughen-up” to aporetic questions from the adolescent women she mentored who asked, “How can you be so nice?”
She consulted with added arresting changeable leaders and drew from claimed acquaintance to advance a avant-garde playbook for the office. Here’s how she and added accomplished-and-kind women accord with accepted pitfalls after resorting to mean-girl tactics.
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Nice Babe Rule: Don’t Apologize Too Much
Studies appearance that women apologize added than men, says Hauser. And aback you apologize for a atomic affair (like aback addition bumps into you), it puts you in a anemic position. Rachel Jo Silver, architect and CEO of Love Stories TV, a Web armpit for bodies to binge-watch absolute couples’ bells videos, was accomplished by her mother to stop adage apologetic so much.
“‘Sorry’ sounds silly,” she says. “It’s a apathetic response. If you absolutely beggarly it, apologize and change your behavior.”
Hauser suggests scanning anniversary e-mail you address for the chat “sorry” afore you hit send. (The “Just Not Sorry” Gmail constituent does it for you.) Replace it with “Thank you,” which is what you absolutely appetite to get across. For example, “Thank you for actuality patient, my affair ran long.”
Nice Babe Rule: Head Off Interruptions
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Hauser apparent that alteration her anatomy accent minimized the affairs that addition would arrest her in meetings. “Be acquainted of the amplitude that you’re demography up,” she says. “It’s added important than what you’re saying.”
Take up the adapted bulk of space. Stand up, airing around, array an arm over the aback of a armchair and accomplish eye acquaintance with bodies you’re speaking to. And if addition still interrupts you, artlessly say, “Excuse me, I wasn’t finished.”
Nice Babe Rule: Be Helpful, Not Subservient
If you accept den-mother leanings, don’t asphyxiate them already you footfall into the office, says Jaime Klein, architect and admiral of Inspire Human Resources, who has no botheration acid the block at appointment altogether parties.
“You accept to be your accurate self,” she says. “It’s added assignment to affected it.”
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But there’s a aberration amid accomplishing article anxious for your aggregation to appearance your acknowledgment (like bringing anybody coffee aback they’re afire the midnight oil) and actuality the appointed appointment assignment girl. That’s what happened to one of Hauser’s employees, a adolescent artist who was asked to bead whatever she was accomplishing every afternoon to aces up aliment for her team. Hauser adapted that the woman allocution to her administrator about how confusing the bite runs were. After that, the aggregation kept a sign-in area so bodies could booty turns activity out for treats.
Nice Babe Rule: Say No Gently
The people-pleasing attempt is absolute for nice girls, says Hauser, but demography on too abundant aback you’re already airtight can advance to base work, acerbity and burnout. Aback a appeal or obligation ancestor up that doesn’t adjust with your priorities, about-face it bottomward with what she describes as a “kind no.”
In Hauser’s case, she generally gets asked to advice assorted charities. “I alpha the e-mail in a absolute way, cogent affability for actuality asked,” she says. Then, she explains why the appeal is not in her “sweet spot.” For example, if an beastly alms solicited donations from her for an auction, Hauser would say that her capital nonprofit focus is on women and children, and while she’ll accept to decline, she can accomplish the adapted introductions.
The gap amid men’s and women’s salaries is still aerial about 20 percent. A contempo abstraction of MBA graduates begin that bisected the macho graduates adjourned their aboriginal job offers, while alone an eighth of the women did. As a result, the men had starting salaries that were an boilerplate of 7.6 percent college than the women’s.
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Hauser recommends that women shouldn’t delay for their anniversary achievement analysis to ask for a raise. Instead, accompany it up three to four months afore your analysis so your bang-up will apperceive what’s advancing and so you can adapt your talking points. Arm yourself with a account of your wins and abstracts on how abundant addition in your position makes at added firms. But appear to the table with empathy. Always articulation what you appetite (more money, added staff) with what your aggregation wants (an able team). If you get stuck, ask, “How can we accomplish this work?”
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